Posted in vocabulary

Friday’s Word (21)

It has been many weeks since I have posted a vocabulary word post.  I have been trying to find the right word for the letter “O” for a while now.  But life with its many activities has kept me pretty busy, more than usual.

Today’s word is just kind of random.  I was talking with someone about one of my hobbies; quilting, and I looked up fabric words, this appeared.   I am beginning to become anxious to start some new fabric projects.

clothes on a line

Happy Friday all.

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Posted in General

Happy 4th (one day late)

Today in America we celebrate our independence as a nation. It’s one of my favorite celebrations. It’s a big day of family, laughter, games, bbq, food and fireworks. Fireworks are one of my favorite things. Each one that lights up the sky I’m in awe of. I understand how they are made and that fireworks are not all that safe, but they are spectacular, vibrant and beautiful.

This year I’m not thinking so much about the awesome fireworks or all the festivities that go on here today, but pondering what this day represents.

Independence. Freedom. Hard fought freedom.

And as I’m embracing this new chapter in my life, I can’t help but think about how often we have to fight through some battles of our own to get to a place of independence and freedom in our lives. We battle emotions. Sometimes we tussle with others. We struggle with ourselves in an effort to succeed, without realizing that we can create obstacles we didn’t need.

Learning oneself. Learning what you need to thrive. Your own strengths and weaknesses. Being able to grow, change, become better; these can bring a freedom in our lives. The more we battle our own demons, insecurities and shortcomings, the more freedom is in our grasp.

Breaking free from the narc’s cycle of abuse, realizing what I needed to work on in my own self and growing through trials, has brought an incredible sense of freedom. Freedom that allows me to know what healthy looks like. What a healthy relationship looks like. To know independence that doesn’t need to be apologized for. And a sense of joy like I’ve never experienced.

As an American, we’re taught how about our history and the battles our forefathers endured. Let us remember, each individual has their own unique battle to fight through. Keep going. You are not alone. Freedom awaits.

There truly is cause to celebrate!

Posted in General

Fathers

Today isn’t a day I usually celebrate.

Having been divorced for many years, my children have been getting their dad a gift and card on their own for awhile now. And not having a dad in my own life, this isn’t a holiday that is all that special to me.

But this year, someone new has arrived into my life, who makes me want to celebrate all he does for his kids. For who he is as man, friend, and father.

To all the men out there who raise their children, who show up, love, provide and sacrifice; thank you. Thank you for all you do everyday. Thank you babe for restoring my hope in a good man.

Happy Father’s Day!

Posted in General, NPD

Random thoughts again

I saw this the other day and I was thinking about the past couple years. How painful they were. How degrading, defeating and discouraging being with a Narc was. How tough the climb out of the hole was.

But reading this and looking at my life now, I’m so thankful for where I am. For the lessons learned through it all. And the happiness I have in knowing the pain has left me, because I’ve learned and grown.

Sometimes we have to lean into the pain. To let it wash over us, to cleanse us in a way. To create new.

My heart and mind are over flowing with joy. In my self. My life. In new adventures.

If going through the pain, hold on, it will leave you when it’s run the course. Hugs and hope for us all. 😊

Posted in General

Graduation

T-minus 36hours!  That is all that is left till my first baby, my oldest, my only daughter graduates high school.  An entire year early!  The tears fill my eyes so easily these days as I watch her work hard to complete this goal she has set.  Seeing all that she has accomplished the past 9months to graduate and head off to college, makes me so proud.  Sometimes the emotions are overwhelming.  Pride and excitement along with some sadness as we enter into a new phase of this parenting journey.

As others are entering this stage, know that you are not alone on the path of letting go while still desiring to hold on.  That we enter this new arena of almost-adulthood and yet can still recall all those moments of childhood that have passed by so incredibly fast.

To those with little ones, hold on extra tight.  And breathe through the moments that seem endless and exhausting.  Soon enough they will be letting go of your hand to run out into this great big world!  And to those in the middle when these beautiful beings that we love beyond rational reason, are driving us into possible madness with their anger and frustration as they navigate the middle teen years. Know that this will pass and they have actually listened to the wisdom you have been trying as patiently as possible to instill.

For those of you that are about to celebrate graduation along with me–Great Job!  You Did It!  We made it!  We raised up the next generation!  Pat yourself on the back!  Be proud that you have helped guide and mold another human that is going to impact the world!

Time has flown, faster than I could possibly imagine!  I wouldn’t trade any of these moments, for they have helped us arrive here, to this beautiful place!

So proud of you baby girl!   Congratulations!  Can’t wait to watch what goals you will crush next!  Thank you for the amazing ride called motherhood that you have brought me on, love you beyond the moon and back!  🙂

Posted in General, NPD

Forgiveness

This isn’t usually a hard thing for me. Forgiveness I learned a long time ago is necessary to a fruitful and happy life. So it’s a practice I cultivated, watered and checked in on. And I’ve found it isn’t that tough…WHEN minor wounds have been inflicted.

BUT when it’s something major, or major to me; abandonment, cheating, lying and abuse, these are much harder for me to forgive.

I like to think the work I’ve done before, helps me, prepares me better for new inflictions, but I’m not sure it does. These major painful moments take time, lots of weeding and tender care to get through. And the deeper the root, the harder it is.

These past many months I’ve been in a soul chasing game with myself. Evaluating what needs to change so I can become the best me. And one area I found I hadn’t conquered was this area of forgiveness.

Oh, I’ve processed and let go of painful trama from childhood and my first marriage. But I’d not really even started the process of forgiving the latest attack; what the Narc did to me and my loved ones.

I hadn’t even tried. I was sorting through all the emotions of a loss, was stuck in anger for a hot minute (or longer) and then busy researching NPD to better understand the type of human I had loved. None of this really had anything to do with working on forgiving him.

And today I realized, while that’s still a process for me, my previous work on forgiveness has allowed me to better handle moments where I might run into or pass by him. I’m no longer angry nor sad. I no longer shake. Or feel the need to run. I’m reaching the point, many many months later, where I can say I am starting to see the things I’m thankful for from the situation. For me that is often the beginning of forgiveness.

So while I’m working through this, I encourage anyone struggling to forgive someone who has wronged you, start slowly. Start with being thankful they are no longer in your life, if you’ve removed them. Be thankful for silence. For boundaries. Keep working toward being thankful for what they were here to show or teach you. This leads to one day waking up and realizing you really can forgive them the harm done because you’re more grateful for where you are now than where you were before.

Least this is my hope. And my previous experience with forgiving others. Perhaps in another few months I’ll be able to say I’ve truly forgiven and list why I’m thankful for that moment in my life, till then, we keep moving forward.